Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
