You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
