Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
try to milk me bitch
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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