A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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