well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
