spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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