We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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