yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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