so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Randomize
