On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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