Will you blow on my dice?
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
