Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
