she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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