everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
