Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
