this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
