why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
