who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
