if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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