I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I think we might need a safe word for this...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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