im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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