my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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