Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
