Someone shit on the floor
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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