Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
