I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
