she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Boobs speak an international language.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
