i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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