Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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