if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
