A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
