Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Please don't give away my fajitas
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
