I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
