I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
