i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
