I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
