Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
