When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
