It's like a parade of train wrecks.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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