I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
