Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
