I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
