Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
