i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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