I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
