yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
