I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
