I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
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His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
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He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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