just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
