you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
