theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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