you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
