Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
