before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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