I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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