I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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